My mom

>> Saturday, June 27, 2009

I've always had some hard times accepting my mom's failings and issues. She's a depressed woman, an alcoholic/addict, and a very sad person. She's in a lot of pain. She has reasons for being so. Hell, I have reasons for being so. But while I can pick myself up off of the ground, she can't seem to and that's the only way she'll ever be able to get up. I can't pick her up.

And lately I've been having to come to terms with the fact that she might not get back up.

If we think about all of the the mechanics that create a human being's core life issues, we have genetic predisposition, childhood environment, personality/temperament, and then external issues that come up. So I know that that there are so many reasons for her feeling this way, and my whole life I feel like I've been very understanding with the fact that she's hurting, but at the center of myself I just haven't been able to really accept it. I've always envisioned the time when she is 'better.' But then I think, or am reminded of really, that life isn't about happiness. Life is about living. It seems that her lot in life is to sit with her own kind of suffering and learn whatever she needs to learn from it.

But hell, I'm 26 and I think its been long enough that I've had a sad mom. I want a mom that's happy and can smile without tears and who I know will be alive when I decide to have kids. Ultimately though, I just want her feel okay for once.

I just ache for her. And I go back and forth between being understanding of her grief (I've been there, and you can't wiggle out of it) and selfish about my own needs. But the bottom line is she can't be there for me. There's nobody to blame for that. I know if she could be there for me she would; she's not being selfish.

I was looking at pictures of her when she was younger than I am, and she looked so full of light, that she had so much potential for joy, and I want to die when I think of how that was taken from her. I've never been so sad in my life.


Lucid Dreaming

>> Tuesday, June 16, 2009

About three years ago now I had this incredible dream where I was on a beach somewhere in the world.  It wasn't day or night; it might have been dusk or right before dawn.  Either way it was not quite light or dark out.  I walked right up to the edge of the water which was massive.  It was literally enchanting.  I think it might have been somewhere like the Mediterranian because it was just breathtaking.  I've never had another dream that put me there, and I've often wanted to go back.  

I feel like that water was on the edge of life and death.
The past few years I've been interested in lucid dreaming--the act of becoming aware of the fact that you are dreaming--and then from there working in my dreams to change my dream life.  The last (year-long) program I took at Evergreen had a significant portion of our learning dedicated to the psychology of dreams and lucid dreaming.   While I was in the program I had a number of moments that I became lucid, mostly because I followed a number of time-tested induction techniques, but since the class I haven't really had any.  
I think its probably because I'm too lazy or otherwise caught up to go through the exercises or at least focus my intent on becoming lucid before I fall asleep.

I think becoming lucid can be about more than having fun and flying around.  Hell, the few times I tried to fly around I ended up hopping up and down ridiculously and falling to the ground.  I think you can really delve into parts of yourself and learn more about the contents of your psyche.  And I know that practicing a real life skill in your dreams does make you better at it.  Its been clinically validated, I believe.

All I'm looking for is a chance to get back to that water and sand.   It really was incredible.

A great site, btw:  The Lucid Dreaming Exchange.  The LDE issues are free online, or you can purchase a print copy for a small fee.  Robert Waggoner, the creator/moderator (?) is pretty famous in this field, and it really is quite fascinating.    

Hit me up with questions...


Religion and Philosophy and Reason

>> Sunday, June 14, 2009

A little bit ago I was involved in a lively blog-esque conversation about religion (specifically Christianity) and homosexuality. Funnily enough, the parts that got me the most on fire were about some of the larger conceptions many folks have of religion that came out because of this debate. The first was a comment someone made in response to another post. This person made a comment that they wouldn't philosophize about religion, but would rather just get to the point.


How can it not be?

"Philosophy is the study of general and fundamental problems concerning matters such as existence, knowledge, truth, beauty, law, justice, validity, mind, and language. "(Wikipedia)

Of course it goes on to say that it is distinguished from other modalities of seeking to understand the above 'matters' by using Reason, but if anyone looks at the history of the Abrahamic faiths and Western Philosophy, they can see how intimately they are tied together, how closely they interacted, and how each has influenced the other.

Michelangelo's "God Creates Man"

Philosophers and religious alike were seeking simultaneously to understand God and [Its] relationship to the world. Each took and gave from the other modality, and influenced the others belief system so that it was irrevocably changed.

The God of Philosophy ultimately influenced our Western Christian God to a point that critical reasoning created some quite interesting and complex theories about how God interacts with [Its] creation. Over time it gave way to a more literal interpretation of the Bible and existence in general, where the Eastern Orthodox church was still quite esoteric and conceptual, rather than literal or reasoned. Even now the effects still reverberate. Many contemporary Western Christians interpret the Bible literally and defy science. And science cannot hold contemporary Western Christianity either because even the scientists take the religious teachings literally, and since it doesn't comply with their logic and empirical findings, they feel they must throw it out.

But I'm getting beside the point.


If we in the west, or indeed, the world, have gotten so far off the path to have to put religion, or philosophy into a little box, we are being Too rational. We need to think more holistically. If each is honestly addressing the same core questions but using slightly different means to do so, then how are they not the same? It's even arguable that they are even using different means. If we look at some of the initiation cults of antiquity we can see that much of the learned intellectual elite in Greece were also practicing worship as they were philosophizing, and that they really did see the two parts as equally vital to their spiritual existence.

Two opposites can exist together. And they were never really opposites. Its all about the search for our place in existence, and if we're all equally striving to ask the really hard questions, then we are all on the same path.

I'm not even going to get into homosexuality and religion, because I think it is so beside the point. SO beside the point.


Natural Holistic Beauty: Healing with Aromatherapy and Botanical Skin Care

>> Tuesday, June 2, 2009

Check out this SlideShare Presentation from Jimm Harrison, co-founder of OHA, and an excellent aromatherapist.  I've been fortunate enough to take a class from him, as well as be in contact with him when he was still with OHA.   Great stuff.



>> Monday, June 1, 2009

I'm feeling very uncertain about all of the things I want to accomplish in this life. I have moments of hot and cold, of inspiration and apathy, and they change fluidly from one to the other so quickly that it seems impossible to get any one thing done. As soon as inspiration hits for any particular project, on the heels comes the dull ache of depression that stops me from following through on any one thing. I end up reading romance novels instead.
I want to write.
I want to paint.
I want to stretch.
I want to dance.
I have ideas and true inspiration. I get excited. I want to study and learn and apply it to Something. And then a plan forms. And then I start filling in the blanks. I have a plot and scenario. I have inklings of characters that I'd like to explore. I have a body that I'd like to use.

And then the thought of tomorrow hits me. And the mundane reality of having to go to bed, to get up to go to work, to go shopping for food, to do it all over every single day, sinks in and it sucks up my energy so completely I feel bereft. I feel empty. I feel overwhelmed and sad and scared and anxious and I just have to something, anything to just numb myself up and RELAX.

Famous: The Scream (not my property)

And relaxing has nothing to do with writing and painting and stretching and dancing and yoga and art and sex and cleaning and cooking and laundry and working and living.

So what do I do now?


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