My mom

>> Saturday, June 27, 2009

I've always had some hard times accepting my mom's failings and issues. She's a depressed woman, an alcoholic/addict, and a very sad person. She's in a lot of pain. She has reasons for being so. Hell, I have reasons for being so. But while I can pick myself up off of the ground, she can't seem to and that's the only way she'll ever be able to get up. I can't pick her up.

And lately I've been having to come to terms with the fact that she might not get back up.

If we think about all of the the mechanics that create a human being's core life issues, we have genetic predisposition, childhood environment, personality/temperament, and then external issues that come up. So I know that that there are so many reasons for her feeling this way, and my whole life I feel like I've been very understanding with the fact that she's hurting, but at the center of myself I just haven't been able to really accept it. I've always envisioned the time when she is 'better.' But then I think, or am reminded of really, that life isn't about happiness. Life is about living. It seems that her lot in life is to sit with her own kind of suffering and learn whatever she needs to learn from it.

But hell, I'm 26 and I think its been long enough that I've had a sad mom. I want a mom that's happy and can smile without tears and who I know will be alive when I decide to have kids. Ultimately though, I just want her feel okay for once.

I just ache for her. And I go back and forth between being understanding of her grief (I've been there, and you can't wiggle out of it) and selfish about my own needs. But the bottom line is she can't be there for me. There's nobody to blame for that. I know if she could be there for me she would; she's not being selfish.

I was looking at pictures of her when she was younger than I am, and she looked so full of light, that she had so much potential for joy, and I want to die when I think of how that was taken from her. I've never been so sad in my life.


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