giving birth & God

>> Saturday, November 27, 2010

This whole year has been wrought with preparation. The "Child Bearing Year" is no myth; it really takes an entire year to move through the process of motherhood. From the moment I found out I was pregnant and was going to have the baby, I began to prepare. The mystical question of what or who I was preparing for wasn't lost on me. I didn't know. I didn't know how to prepare. How do you prepare for an experience you've never had, never lived through your body? Nonetheless, prepare I did.

And not in the standard, go by all the material items a baby will need & get a baby shower registry going, sort of way. And not in the, compile an extensive birth plan, sort of way either, though I did both of these things. My body, my heart, my Self began to prepare energetically. Hormones can't account for the raw emotion that flowed and overflowed through and out of me. I'd find myself in moments of awe, dread, fear, hope, joy simultaneously. Tears would run down my face at the mere thought of life growing inside of me, life becoming itself.

I don't pretend to mean I understood or experienced God intellectually. What I felt has no words.

And then there was the labor and birth of our child. Again, a meeting with God. Not the joyous miracle of God, but the terror and agony of God. A splitting in two. Raw animal noises being wrenched from me, my face splitting in half, eyes narrowed, mouth cut. The agony of God.
I remember chanting over and over again, "God, why won't it go away? Why won't You help me, help me, help me..." in the hot swamp of the bathtub. My answer was the urge to push.
And push I did. I pushed like screaming, pushed with no understanding of how to push, how to move this baby through me. I pushed until I split open, pushed a live human being through me and into the world.

God was there when my baby, blue and big and scared, stared with wide open eyes and began to scream. I held him, huge, slippery, bloody, warm. God was born with my baby.


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