Thy word is a lamp to my feet & a light to my path

Bruce Lee: the lost interview

2012-03-01T20:42:00.001-08:00

Brant showed me this video; I haven't finished it yet but it is actually super, super good to watch.

Enjoy!

We shall slay Ourselves

2012-02-28T08:30:00.000-08:00

"Furthermore, we have not only to risk the adventure alone;

for the heroes of all time have gone before us;

the LABYRINTH is thoroughly known;

we have only to follow the thread of the hero-path.

And where we had thought to find an abomination,

we shall find a god;

where we thought to slay another, we shall slay ourselves;

where we had thought to travel outward,

we shall come to the center of our own existence,

where we had thought to be alone, we shall be with all the world."

—Joseph Campbell

Hero with a Thousand Faces

Social Networking

2012-02-27T14:31:00.000-08:00

"Outrageous, yet vague claim."

Loving it. This IS what social networks all claim to do.

Go. See it yourself.

Freaking Arthurian Myths

2012-02-26T21:06:00.001-08:00

My stepmother's sister passed away this week. It hit me hard.

One of my 'assignments' from my counselor is to borrow from my heritage, using some of the tools my ancestors have used to say goodbye to her--to honor her life. I've also been charged to look to my ancestors to help perform a rite/ritual around self-protection.

Oddly excited, I turned to ancestry.com to validate what I believed to be true about my heritage. On my mother's side, I was told we were German, Dutch, and Norwegian. So far, it's just English. I've gone through as many names as I have on my family tree (not too many names, though...) and they're all English.

As for my biological father, I'd always believed he was Irish. Who knows, though, really. His name is either Spanish in origin, or Greek. So yeah. No Irish Ballads for me.

As I've been researching into English history, English rites of death, English religion in general, all I get is general pagan stuff (not boring per se, but I work at Radiance, okay? I've lived in Olympia for decades. I'm very familiar with pagan rites/rituals. I wanted something more exotic, lol. Or at least something I'm not surrounded by all of the time and no longer have personal interest in. Of course I told Karin this (my boss) and she laughed). There's another thing too. It's...well...this...

FREAKING ARTHURIAN MYTHS.

Are you kidding me? Am I a 14 year old, pale-skinned boy? No, I'm joking, sort of. If I love Jungian psychology, Joseph Campbell, and myths like I say I do, I should probably love it, right? Well, let's embrace it, I guess. (or go rent The Mists of Avalon, as per Karin's suggestion.)

For now, I'll share some decidedly English, decidedly death-related, Stonehenge.

An Act of Truth

2012-02-26T20:25:00.001-08:00

Michael Meade talks about the power of truth. An act of truth can draw poison out of the body, and hold back the tide of a seemingly limitless wave.

So I begin (again) with an act of truth: I stay away from my family because I don't want to be rejected again.

Flower Essence Class

2011-08-06T19:22:00.000-07:00

A couple of months ago I took a flower essence course taught by Kirsten Sogge. Kirsten regularly teaches classes and advertises in Radiance's biannual newsletter, which is how I got connected with the class.

I was so excited for this class, and Kirsten did not let me down!

For those who want a good rundown of what Flower Essences are (hint: they're not essential oils, and they aren't aromatic), Flower Essence Services says the following:

Flower essences are herbal infusions or decoctions, made from the flowering part of the plant, which uniquely address emotional and mental aspects of wellness. The first 38 flower remedies were formulated by a British physician, Dr. Edward Bach, in the 1930's, although new remedies from other plant species are now available.

They're also vibrational in nature, along with homeopathic remedies and gemstone essences. They work on the energy plain of the body, rather than the physical plain. FES goes on to elucidate:

Flower essences do not work bio-chemically like aspirin does for a headache, but they can affect our experience of our bodies. For example, essences which help release emotional stress may result in less physical tension. Someone who overworks may discover just how tired he or she really is.

Flower essences can help people who suffer from physical illness by addressing the emotional responses to the illness, and by working with the underlying conflicts and tensions that may have contributed to the onset of the illness. However, flower essences are not cures for any specific illness, and are chosen on the basis of mental and emotional issues, rather than specific physical ailments.

We took our plant walk at Mission Creek Park, on Olympia's Eastside. Once among the native plants, Kirsten instructed us to sit. There, with the help of the devas, the fairies, and the White Brotherhood (which is horrible, racist-sounding name) and Pan, we began the work of finding out which essences we were to make.

I don't know the names of many plants, nor what they look like. As my peers were able to verbalize immediately what plant came to them, I could only describe the vague impression I got. It was...a white, fluffy flower. Kirstin made a few suggestions, then we looked behind us and realized a Hawthorn tree was right there--with fluffy white flowers all over it.

Once we picked our flowers (using clean tweezers--no human contact!), Kirsten asked if any essence needed anything else and, again through the coning with her Helpers, we were lead to add soil to the essence I was called to make.

Here are a couple of pictures of the essences we made:

Buttercup Flower Essence

Nettle Flower Essence

Hawthorn Flower & Dirt Essence

What's really great about Kirsten's method of choosing and preparing essences is that it relies solely on intuition. This intuition can be externalized in the form of helpers, or it can be interpreted (as I chose to interpret it) as your Higher Self making your needs known. Dr. Bach, the original 'finder' I guess I'd call it, of Flower Essences, had his own intuitive way of choosing a system by which to select flowers for particular ailments or states of being. We're doing nothing less, nothing different rather than taking our own intuition into account, rather than relying on his. It is incredibly empowering.

Thanks to Kirsten for offering such an amazing, informative class. And thanks to this mighty universe, that I was able to participate.

Unity Service Notes for July 24

2011-07-25T21:08:00.000-07:00

This Sunday's Guest Speaker was Rev. Rob Robinson. The topic was titled To Be or Not To Be.

Each of us has a choice, every day of our lives, every minute, every second, to be living in alignment with Truth (God), or not.

Rob started our morning prayer with the request that we let go of every thought we have, each piece of energy, that is not God. I thought this was pretty profound. The anxiety I was holding onto for not having any money to donate this week was not God. The frustration I felt about running late again was not God. God is the energy of Yes! of Pure Love, and those niggling worries and angers and fears I held inside were definitely not God.

Rob then relayed the story of Peter walking on water with Jesus, from Matthew 14:22-33

²² Immediately Jesus made the disciples get into the boat and go on ahead of him to the other side, while he dismissed the crowd. ²³ After he had dismissed them, he went up on a mountainside by himself to pray. Later that night, he was there alone, ²⁴ and the boat was already a considerable distance from land, buffeted by the waves because the wind was against it.

²⁵ Shortly before dawn Jesus went out to them, walking on the lake. ²⁶When the disciples saw him walking on the lake, they were terrified. “It’s a ghost,” they said, and cried out in fear.

²⁷ But Jesus immediately said to them: “Take courage! It is I. Don’t be afraid.”

²⁸ “Lord, if it’s you,” Peter replied, “tell me to come to you on the water.”

²⁹ “Come,” he said.

Then Peter got down out of the boat, walked on the water and came toward Jesus. ³⁰ But when he saw the wind, he was afraid and, beginning to sink, cried out, “Lord, save me!”

³¹ Immediately Jesus reached out his hand and caught him. “You of little faith,” he said, “why did you doubt?”

³² And when they climbed into the boat, the wind died down. ³³ Then those who were in the boat worshiped him, saying, “Truly you are the Son of God.” (NIV)

What Rob invited us to do was consider how Peter got back to the boat. There are 3 options, Rob says:

He swam back to the boat.
Jesus pulled him back to the boat.
He walked back, once Jesus had his hand.

The most logical answer, Rob says, is number 3: Peter started to fall as he lost his faith. Jesus grabbed his hand and steadied Peter, and the two of them walked back together. You might be asking 'What's the significance of this?' How is it related to living in alignment with Truth?

Sometimes we don't have faith. It's true. Sometimes I feel like giving up entirely. We all go there. When we feel like we're floundering, we have a lifeline. We can grab on to someone nearby who has the faith to shoulder us both. Another way of looking at it is this way: Peter couldn't see/identify the Christ presence within him, but he saw it in Jesus Christ. We can grab on to Jesus when we can't see our own Christ inside of us, or we can grab onto those around us, because we know the Christ is within them. That's what Sundays are about anyways, Rob says. To be around others, to help us be in continual awareness that we are surrounded by and are the Christ.

And faith is what allows us to believe that we are who we are, that we are Truth in human form, and we are here for a reason.

You can listen to the talk in it's entirety at Unity of Olympia's audio page.

Short notes this week--Rob was very vibrant and entertaining, so I mostly just sat back and took it all in. Unfortunately retaining more than a couple of highlights was difficult.

I also want to put a plug in to listen to Rev Sue Oliver's "The Power of Imagination" talk from July 10th. It was very inspiring! I've misplaced my notes and won't be posting a writeup until I find them. You can also follow her on Twitter.

Unity Service Notes, June 12 [archive]

2011-07-25T14:31:00.000-07:00

I'm a little (okay, a lot) behind on the notes I wanted to share from Unity of Olympia services, so I'm going to try to catch up a bit.

This entry's post is from Sunday, June 12 (44 days ago, holy crap), with guest speaker Rev. Marla Mason.

I wanted to share it because it is essentially on the same topic as Rev. Sue Zeal Oliver's, which I posted about here, Walking the Talk of Faith. I believe Marla's topic was called Moving from Fear to Faith. To listen to it, you can visit Unity of Olympia's Audio page.

(As a side note, this is one downside to having perpetual guest speakers; they aren't aware of each other's topics...so there's the potential for repeats. I know each guest has a different spin on similar topics, but it sometimes feels like there's no meta-topic, no through-line.)

There are some eternal, unchanging facts:

Faith Doesn't change. God doesn't change. Spiritual Law Doesn't Change.

What we put our faith in changes.

We dread fear--we try to avoid it at all costs, but it can actually be a tool. Fear is positive, a motivator towards faith. If you feel fear, this is good! It means you've stopped relying on your coping mechanisms (or they've stopped working for you) and are now facing reality. This is the first step toward manifesting your good in this life.

When we feel our fear, it gives us the opportunity to focus on what we hope for. This is how it happens: We're uncomfortable in our fear. We want to stop being fearful. We start hoping for things to be better. We picture what 'better' looks like. It becomes brighter, more vibrant, more tangeble-seeming. Our hope becomes a possibility.

Focusing on our hope moves us toward using affirmations to move toward achieving our hopes. Then we slowly move from Hope, to Faith. Faith that what we hope for will happen.

Marla's summing up:

Stop using our coping strategies, so that we can manifest our good.

Attention is the mechanism that calls forth our faith. Coping shifts our attention away from reality.

The same thing that makes you sick will heal you.

If you don't have faith, borrow it.*

*We'll go back to this concept in a future entry.

To learn more about Rev. Marla Mason, visit her website at www.marlamason.com.

This is my Olympia: A Little Sweetness to Make You Smile

2011-06-25T21:28:00.000-07:00

I just wanted to post a few pictures, both past and present, of stuff around town that makes me proud to by an Olympian.

Traditions participated in this event

Dine Out to Fight AIDS happened toward the end of April, and happens every year. I love seeing the signs everywhere and seeing which restaurants choose to participate. It's a big deal! These restaurants forfeit an entire day's sales (not including bar sales) toward this cause~and still pay for the labor and supplies! What a great, great thing to do.

Downtown Starbucks

Whatever you may think of Starbucks, this made my day as I rushed in there for some quick decaf before my shift at Radiance. (I'd spend time here explaining why I was at evil Starbucks instead of local B & B, but that's a whole other blog post.) While I was taking this picture, the employee told me that this location would be LEED certified, if it weren't for the very old building it's housed in, which can't be. My heart grew to encompass this Starbucks, at least. :)

Outside of Mix 96 FM

This is self-explanatory.

Holy Basil at Radiance

Radiance has free tea, every day of the week, every day of the year that we're open. Our current selection is Holy Basil, which is a nice, relaxing tea. It makes me so happy sometimes to be able to walk in and have a sip of tea when I'm downtown. :)

Double click to read it

This event just passed, but I think it's great. The image is crappy, but the message is pretty fantastic. Unitarian Universalists have good hearts. And so does Traditions.

...Just some of the lovely things I see here in Olympia as I go through, day to day!

This is My Olympia: Olympia-Rafah Solidarity Mural

2011-05-19T21:49:00.000-07:00

Each day I get off the bus downtown, I walk by an amazing piece of street art. Truly, it is beautiful. It is the Olympia-Rafa Solidarity Mural.

Click for Larger Image

According to their website, the project began in 2006 (do y'all remember walking by it in transition all these years?!?) and included over 150 participants, spanning the globe, from here in Olympia, to Rafah, Palestine. You may be familiar with two of the major sponsors of the project; the Rachel Corrie Foundation, and the International Trauma Treatment Program. (I have a personal connection with the ITTP via my last program at Evergreen. Dr John Van Eenwyk, a faculty member of the program, is a Jungian Analyst that spoke to our program about archetypes. He is one of the only Jungian Analysts (if not the only one) in Olympia.)

I highly encourage everyone to go to the mural's website; there is fascinating information there, along with images showing the many stages of the mural. One section discusses the importance of the three major symbols underlying the mural: the wave, the olive tree, and the wall.
Here's a snippet from the website about the importance of the olive tree:

The Israeli occupation has specifically targeted this plant due to its symbol of identity for Palestinians and its economic benefits. Since the second Intifada, more than half a million olive trees have been uprooted from Palestinian lands. Palestinian resistance or sumoodmeans Palestinians producing olive oil although the occupation limits their movement and forbids them from reaching their lands. “Sumood” is Palestinians producing olive oil although the racist Apartheid Wall prevents farmers from harvesting their olives and uproots trees anywhere near it.

You can read the full article here.

Here are some more pictures of some of my favorite parts. (One more plug to visit the website; you can click on each part of the mural to learn more about it.)

Click for Larger Image

You can read more about the project at olympiarafahmural.org. It's such an amazing piece of political art, and I'm glad it's home is in Olympia. I'm proud to call Olympia my home.

Unity Service notes May 15

2011-05-18T22:33:00.000-07:00

I'm starting this new thing where I type up some of my notes/thoughts on interesting Unity services. I hope somebody on here finds it interesting (!)...

This Sunday's service was titled "Walking the Talk of Faith" with guest speaker Rev. Sue Oliver. It was FANTASTIC.

She spoke about faith being something that we never lack, we just often have faith in the wrong things (this is apparently based on a Charles Fillmore quote). She used the allegory of a window. She noted that reality is like what's outside. The window gets dusty, smudged, and otherwise altered, based on our sense-perception (the 5 senses), our self-talk, and what others tell us. Over time, we come to believe that reality looks like what we see through the smudged window. We forget that our perception is superimposed on the unchanged reality. Be start to buy-in to our perception of reality as if it's the real thing. This is an example of having faith in the wrong thing; that we put our faith in our perceptions (the stories we tell ourselves) rather than seeing the Truth.

Fear is faith, misplaced.

Rev. Sue talks about how to move from fear to faith in the following stages.

Stage 1: Have Courage. Have the courage to recognize that you're living in fear. Have courage to sit there--in the face of fear--without immediately trying to create stories to soften reality.

Stage 2: Have Awareness.

Think of one instance, she says, that you feel fearful about. One instance/event/thing that personally makes you tense up. We all have these; for me it's some physical health challenges. Rev. Sue's example was turning 50 (aging).
Next, look at the reality that exists in that moment. Ask yourself, 'what stories am I telling myself about this event?' For example, that when you're 50 your life is somehow over. Or you're no longer sexually attractive. Or you're about to die any time now. Or you can no longer have a successful career. Etc.
Now ask yourself, "What is it [my story] costing me?" What are you losing by believing the false reality over real life?
And finally, ask yourself, "What becomes possible if I let it go?" What areas open up because you're no longer attached to your stories?

Stage 3: Surrender. This is hinted at above. To let go of our attachment to the stories we create about our lives is difficult. Especially when we benefit from our stories, when they comfort us. But surrendering to the Truth is always, always infinitely more rewarding than we'd ever imagined.

Stage 4: Spiritual GPS: A Gentle, Persistant, Spiritual practice is paramount. This brings us--on a daily basis--back to our Source, back to the Truth of reality. Being grounded in this way reminds us what we're looking to achieve; union with the Truth, with God. This quiet reminder is always and immediately available to us. We just need to make the commitment and give up the time.

It really was quite a moving service.

If you want to listen to the service, click here. It'll also give you a list of other audio tracks from recent Unity services.

When I tried to find a website for her, I learned that she is also involved in some interesting(?) website that I haven't gotten a chance to look through. It's [I think] about 'conscious entrepreneurship' or something. To learn more, visit the website. She's the 'Chief Passionier,' apparently :)

Rev. Sue Oliver

Anyways. The end.

Happy Easter

2011-04-24T20:46:00.000-07:00

Happy Easter!

He has Risen, and if we follow His example we may also.

And, in honor of Easter...

Cute!!

"Slow Dance"

2011-04-17T11:30:00.000-07:00

I went to an Ani D. concert last night, and she revealed that they'd come from a literary festival in Spokane. A poet had given her his book, so she decided to read a poem from it. She hadn't read it before, so she was cold-reading it, and it was amazing. It starts off...not my style (you might say 'not so good'), but it gets pretty amazing. I thought I'd share:

SLOW DANCE

More than putting another man on the moon,

more than a New Year’s resolution of yogurt and yoga,

we need the opportunity to dance

with really exquisite strangers. A slow dance

between the couch and dinning room table, at the end

of the party, while the person we love has gone

to bring the car around

because it’s begun to rain and would break their heart

if any part of us got wet. A slow dance

to bring the evening home, to knock it out of the park. Two people

rocking back and forth like a buoy. Nothing extravagant.

A little music. An empty bottle of whiskey.

It’s a little like cheating. Your head resting

on his shoulder, your breath moving up his neck.

Your hands along her spine. Her hips

unfolding like a cotton napkin

and you begin to think about how all the stars in the sky

are dead. The my body

is talking to your body slow dance. The Unchained Melody,

Stairway to Heaven, power-cord slow dance. All my life

I’ve made mistakes. Small

and cruel. I made my plans.

I never arrived. I ate my food. I drank my wine.

The slow dance doesn’t care. It’s all kindness like children

before they turn four. Like being held in the arms

of my brother. The slow dance of siblings.

Two men in the middle of the room. When I dance with him,

one of my great loves, he is absolutely human,

and when he turns to dip me

or I step on his foot because we are both leading,

I know that one of us will die first and the other will suffer.

The slow dance of what’s to come

and the slow dance of insomnia

pouring across the floor like bath water.

When the woman I’m sleeping with

stands naked in the bathroom,

brushing her teeth, the slow dance of ritual is being spit

into the sink. There is no one to save us

because there is no need to be saved.

I’ve hurt you. I’ve loved you. I’ve mowed

the front yard. When the stranger wearing a shear white dress

covered in a million beads

comes toward me like an over-sexed chandelier suddenly come to life,

I take her hand in mine. I spin her out

and bring her in. This is the almond grove

in the dark slow dance.

It is what we should be doing right now. Scrapping

for joy. The haiku and honey. The orange and orangutang slow dance.

Matthew Dickman

Fruits Basket

2011-04-09T20:48:00.000-07:00

So I just finished the entire manga series, Fruits Basket, by Natsuki Takaya. It was incredible.

The entire 13 Zodiacs plus Tohru, from the Manga

I've been holding onto [another] friend's copy of the Fruits Basket anime for a couple of years now, not really interested in watching it...then finally I gave in, and am so blessed for doing so. The anime was so poignant & touching that I chose to read the manga (which is nearly always better than the anime)...all 23 volumes, in a week. (How I managed to do that while having a 7 month old is beyond me :) )

The anime only covers up to around volume 7 or 8, which makes me wonder if it followed the manga, but interest waned or it took too long or something. Maybe they considered doing a 'Fruits Basket 2' after the manga finished, but never finished the project? Who knows.

The core folks, from the Anime

All though there are substantial differences, I was still impressed at how close they managed to keep the anime to the original vision. Of course the manga is 'better,' but I really feel they created an anime with integrity. I'm happy with it.

The core folks, from the Manga

Some things I'm thinking...

First, if you haven't read it, please do so. Even if you don't read manga or 'comics,' it is really so very beautiful. It's every bit worth spending time and money on. I think Olympic Cards & Comics has the large 3-volume-in-1 sets. If not, I'm sure they can order them for you. I'm serious, and I don't recommend things lightly.

Next, I think the story is mostly about two things: parents, and endings.

Almost every person in this story has to cope with their relationship with their parents, whether it be abuse, them dying too soon, neglect, etc. It also has a lot to say about the confusing feelings that happen because of our relationships to our parents.

It's about endings because they're all learning how to deal with change and loss. They're dealing with the grief, the sadness, and even the relief that comes with it. One of the most important messages, I think, comes from Kyo's line,

"It's all right. Without the separation of this life...a new banquet can't start, right?"

...you probably have to read the manga to get how important that lesson is. I had tears streaming down my face.

Today's Daily Word: Conscious Healing

2011-04-09T20:22:00.000-07:00

I just wanted to jot a quick note to say how much I'm loving Thursday's Daily Word...about conscious healing.

Here it goes:

CONSCIOUS HEALING

The Christ in me is God's spirit of perfection.

We may have been wounded by life--mentally, emotionally or physically--but our wounds do not define us. The Christ in us is God's spirit of perfection; it is incorruptible and unaffected by any condition or wound. As is the Christ within, so we become.

Healing is a conscious process. Daily I go within to the silence and remember that I am innately divine, whole and complete. This memory awakens my healing potential calling forth the Power that is me. I am gentle with myself and realign my thoughts with Christ Consciousness. I accept responsibility for my own healing, listen to my inner voice and take action by faith.

Then he said to the man, "Stretch out your hand." He stretched it out, and it was restored, as sound as the other.--Matthew 12:13

This was taken directly from the website. To see the entry on the Daily Word website, please click here.

I really needed to hear this today.

This is my Olympia: Olympia Local Foods

2011-04-05T21:50:00.000-07:00

March's [late, I know] installment of This is my Olympia is dedicated to an unlikely & lesser-known candidate: Olympia Local Foods.

Sweet Signage

I first began using Olympia Local Foods when my family was recovering from some sort of flu-cold bug and I was fantasizing about groceries being delivered to my doorstep. Wouldn't it be great? Some way I could get local, healthy food without wasting energy I don't have, and without ordering out? I'd heard a little about Olympia Local Foods (but not enough) so I decided to browse their website.

Olympia Local Foods is like a hybrid CSA-online grocery store. Appealing to folks who want to support local, sustainable food sources, the company works with local farms and other businesses to provide direct-sourced goods. Here's just a sampling of the many vendors who participate:

8 Arms Community Bakery
Blue Heron Bakery
OlyKraut
Stiebrs Farm
Pigman's Farm

And that's not even a quarter of the participating vendors!

Brant returns with the loot

Here's the essence of the procedure:

Each Thursday night the new ordering week begins. Using an online shopping cart, customers fill their baskets with as much or as little groceries as they like. Shopping is made easy, as the items are separated by subject (veggies, bakery items, deli, meat, etc.). Each subject has an itemized list of what is offered this week (it changes based on what vendors have available/what's in season), along with the price per pound.

At check out, you review your basket and pay with a card--standard for online shopping. You are sent a confirmation email, along with a confirmation code as the receipt of purchase. The ordering period ends each Tuesday at 10am.

Each order must be picked up the following Thursday between the hours of 3pm and 7pm at Olympia Wood Flooring Supply, located on the West Side of Olympia.

Some of the Loot

This model is so appealing for a number of reasons! First & foremost (for obvious reasons) is that the model incorporates local vendors that support organic and sustainable farming/food practices.

Second, the customer is in near-direct trade with the vendor. This is important because I want to support these vendors directly!! I want to participate in CSAs, but find that I can't afford the price (no matter how reasonable it is). This model allows me to get what I can afford.

And finally, sometimes I'm just not in the mood to deal with people. I don't always want to cram myself like a sardine into the Co-Op, especially when the chance of me running into someone I know is near 100%. And I'm not always sociable. Especially with a 7th month old, sometimes I want to get my produce and get home to my family. Thanks to Olympia Local Foods, grocery shopping doesn't always have to be social.

I really appreciate this part of my Olympia...

For more information, please visit Olympia Local Food's website at http://www.olympialocalfoods.com

The Nature of God

2011-03-24T11:43:00.000-07:00

Some distinguishing factors when talking about Unity beliefs and my own understanding about the nature of God:

God is ever-present, the energy of infinite Love.

God is not a being. God does not act upon humanity. This takes away the idea of Divine Punishment.

We are the expression of God. Our action is God's action. God is expressing through us, as us.
This 'God in us' is described as 'the Christ' presence within.

Jesus awoke to the innate Christ energy within him, as him, and thus perfectly expressed God.

We imperfectly express God in manifestation. To work toward perfect expression of God is our life's purpose. To achieve this perfect expression is to bring forth what Jesus referred to as 'the kingdom of heaven.'

This is my Olympia: Traditions

2011-02-28T15:19:00.000-08:00

So.

I've decided to create a monthly blog post chronicling my Olympia: my everyday experiences, my hang-outs, my loves, my hates...to share with folks what Olympia is to me.

[An aside: I would create this as a weekly feature, but with Owen around, every week is a little too ambitious for me!]

This month's feature is...

Traditions Cafe & World Folk Art

Located just a few blocks from where I work, Traditions is a weekly ritual I willingly participate in. Going there every week helps me center myself. While eating, I listen to podcasts, jot down work-related notes, do personal journalling, and sometimes just zone out. It's a place of comfort; whatever I am doing is supported. I can engage with the community as much or as little as I need to in the moment, and Traditions allows space for that.

Walking into the cafe, I'm immediately greeted by yummy smells of hearty soups and homemade chai. Each face is familiar, and nearly everyone knows my name and my standard 'two enchiladas with avocado instead of cheese, Lemon Tahini dressing on the side salad,' unless I switch it up with a veggie burger with Tibetan Barbecue Sauce (yum!).

I often get a decaf Americano (decaf because I'm still nursing), and the staff persons expertly craft it; the crema sits on top, just as it should.

Yummy

I love the self-serve coffee with honey feature; it warms my heart and reminds me of Otto's just a little bit :)

Folksy; and look at the vase to the left!

The retail side warms my heart even more, and I make a point to browse each time I'm in the store. Traditions (and Radiance) participates in the "We Like Us" program, coordinated by Orca Books, I believe. This program supports current staff persons at participating downtown business (including Hot Toddy, Radiance, Traditions, and others) by offering a standing 20% off all purchases paid with cash. With this discount I can patronize places like Traditions more often, supporting their livelihood as well as my lifestyle.

What I love about Traditions--especially now that I'm a parent--is the sustainable, wonderful, Waldorf-inspired Children's Section.

I've purchased many, many parenting books from Traditions. I can't recommend them highly enough as a resource for artfully and gently raising your children.

Brant laughs at me for this, but I'm super-stokked to introduce Owen to the 'Cooperative Games' Traditions sells. They're not competitive in nature, with really makes me happy. Perhaps I'm being unrealistic, but I like the idea of Owen learning cooperation rather than competition. Brant excels at board games, RPGs,etc., all which have an element of competition in them, so Owen's bound to be exposed to that kind of play too. I guess that's okay; maybe I'm just projecting my own childhood discomfort with competition into this situation.

I LOVE this wooden playhouse! No plastic!

Some other things of note about this amazing place:

Traditions is Fair Trade. This is important. In a community like Olympia, where we often tout the benefits of supporting our local economy, it's important to remember that not all goods being sold (even locally!) are benefiting the communities and individuals engaging the the work. Traditions reaches out to the global community by directly trading with indigenous peoples, to bring more economic stability to them and quality, hand-crafted goods to us.
Traditions has a Peace & Justice lending library, available to the community. Choose from a selection of donated books to borrow, learn, and return. Community members are also welcome to donate texts and videos.
Traditions supports local singers, songwriters, poets, authors, etc. by hosting them in the cafe. You can find a list of upcoming events here.
Plants & Planets meets the 3rd Thursday evening of the month in the cafe. Fusing true astrology with herbal and plant support, Plants & Planets creators Rose and Carol help guide us through our lives offering words of wisdom and advice.

If you haven't made it part of your Olympia experience to visit Traditions, I urge you to do so. You won't regret it.

For more information including store hours, visit their website at http://www.traditionsfairtrade.com.

Many Blessings.

What's the Content?

2011-02-26T22:07:00.000-08:00

So initially when I created this blog it was going to be a personal & academic exploration of religion, spirituality, theological issues, and mythology. I'd use my life's experiences to explore these themes and try to figure out what this whole thing...life...is about.

And I've totally stopped doing that.

There are two reasons; ONE is because I just don't have time to write longer articles. Now that I have a baby, I'm lucky if I have the time to write a couple of paragraphs, let alone the longer stuff I used to write.
TWO is that I have a very dear friend who lives far away, and at some point I guess I ended up writing a lot of entries for her, so she could see what's going on in my head/life. So I've been posting a lot more tiny, mundane posts. I hope they're not uninteresting.

What this means for everyone is that I intend to continue to write the shorter, less academically focused stuff for the time being--probably for the foreseeable future, until Owen's big enough for me to spend a chunk of time getting into something more juicy. The posts will continue to be more focused on all facets of my life: interior design, work, manga, romance novels, etc..., and not just the spiritual aspect.

That's all; just an FYI!

Realistic decor

2011-01-31T14:00:00.000-08:00

So I always get super-excited when looking at interior design stuff, from books & magazines, to images that are more inspirational than instructive. I even bought a "Better Homes & Gardens" New Cottage Style book on clearance this weekend (it's so not me to buy the conventional brands...though writing that, I realized I sound super stuck-up. Sorry.)!

I often get stuck in two places: The first is that I get turned on by entirely different and clashing decor styles. A recent post had a picture from Seattle University's Chapel of St. Ignatius, which is a contempory take on religious iconography in decor. Then, I recently sent Brant a link to a DIY Zen decor web article which features dark woods, Asian-inspired pieces, lots of earthy candles, and earth tones.

DIY Zen

At first, it doesn't really seem like a 'problem' but what is so wonderful about both these looks is the total commitment to the ideal or theme. I'm sure I could marry the two, and it might look beautiful--really really stunning, but the piece I love about it would be lessened significantly.

The second challenge I come to is that I choose ideas that aren't realistic for me at this point in my life. One issue is money, obviously. I think we all have this issue, honestly. So I can skip talking about it in detail. The next issue is sustainability and reuse. I don't want to throw out/donate the majority of what I already have in order to acquire new pieces. I also don't want to set out to alter every piece I have either; with a 5 month old, it's just not realistic, not to mention unsafe, considering the toxins present in many of the materials I'd use to create certain effects.

So...imagine my joy (yes, joy!) when finding, on the same Etsy trend page as the DIY Zen article, an assemblage of pieces and images to inspire a DIY English Country home! I'm attracted to this natively (see above, my book purchase) and have much of the mishmash of pieces that fit into this theme.

We have a tin watering can we bought vintage that could do this...
and we have a woodstove featured in our living room :)

What I love about this is that many different styles can be added here to form a cohesive whole; we just need some bit of a through-line to pull it together. I know it's more 'cluttered' than the zen home, but--let's face it--I'm cluttered. Especially with Owen; could you imagine trying to keep every piece of the zen home together while he's learning how to crawl, walk, spitting up, etc.?

Some pieces we already have:

Vintage chair w/floral print

Rustic side table from the Red Door

'Antiqued' bookshelves

We also have wicker baskets, a floral print couch, an 'antiqued' white dresser (perfect for the living room, ha!), and tons of little knick knacks...

So we can be on our way!

Sex & TV

2011-01-27T20:40:00.000-08:00

So, with much trepidation (and the insistence of my BFF), I began to watch the HBO series True Blood. For those of you who aren't familiar with the series, it's [another] vampire series but with the interesting twist of being set in Louisiana. Southern accents, southern morals, southern vampires. It's also loosely based off the books by Charlaine Harris, though it's really beside the point of many of the TV show's viewers and followers.
The first episode showed so much sex, it was pornographic. Actually, I'd say I'd rather watch porn than this. Because at least with porn, I'd be making the choice to watch. This was totally unexpected.

What bothered me most about it was the way they portrayed sex--it was the epitome of misogyny. The women really were objects here; objects in that they had no inherent value in themselves, but as a sexual object for the male. It was also rough. I mean, ROUGH, which made me sick to my stomach. There was no intimacy, no...slowness, no sensuality. Just grotesque bondage and hyper-speed. Each sex scene must have been written by a man ( man who has a pretty huge misconception about what sex really should be because each scene (with different people) was equally rough).

Vamp Grossness, the PG version

What bothered me the most about it was the perpetuation of misconception here. Now, I'm more than aware that people's sexual preferences can be varied. I'm under no illusion that all women (or person in the stereotypical submissive role) like only tender, loving, slow intimacy. However.

The idea these sex scenes (and they're like, everywhere in that show) perpetuate is that women like to be treated a particular (demeaning) way. It shows overtly what is covertly put forth everywhere in society. The sick part (at least, to me) is that women participate just as much as men. We pretend that this hard, fast stuff is okay to watch, that it's okay that it's on TV, that it's turning us on, which of course makes men think we like it. And then we turn it in on ourselves and think we like it. And sometimes we might...and that's okay...but FOR THE LOVE OF GOD why do we have to let them put a blown-up, overdone version of it on TV????

p.s.~I was going to find a clip of one of the sex scenes and post it on here, but I didn't want to shock anyone. Go look it up yourselves. It really is shocking to me, and I've seen my fair share of porn.

While we have the Sun

2011-01-19T22:33:00.000-08:00

I really listened to this song for the first time last night, and I had a very intense moment. It actually broke some dam that was around my heart, and let me experience my sadness. Here's the part where I lost it:

"If you want to shake whatever separates you from the holiness you want to make your life on earth become, live your life with a compassion you can be proud of. Then let your last breath fade away with dignity and love."

Here are the full lyrics:

"Let's take the time to walk together while we have the sun
You never know when temperamental weather's gonna come
And if you want to face the death you're never that far from
Just take a breath and sing to it when all the day is done

So sorry about all the sorrow in your life you'll know
It's true that all the ones you love will someday have to go
And everytime you say goodbye you'll hear the trumpets blow
A serenade to the soul, all surrounded by the glow

If you feel all broken 'cause i left you there too soon
Just know that it's not up to you to make the flowers wilt or bloom
And if you think you're lonely then just listen for the tune
Of all the stars i left for you in the chest of the moon

If you want to shake whatever separates you from
The holiness you want to make your life on earth become
Live your life with a compassion you can be proud of
Then let your last breath fade away with dignity and love

Let's take the time to walk together while we have the sun
You never know when temperamental weather's gonna come
And if you want to face the death you're never that far from
Just take a breath and sing to it when all the day is done"

2011 New Years Resolutions

2011-01-06T16:54:00.000-08:00

This year i decided to have as specific, realistic NY resolutions as possible. Here they are:

1. Drink 64oz water a day

2. See my sister, mom 1x a month

3. Have patience with my circumstances...keep my mouth shut about complaining when not necessary
4. Practice living in the Kingdom of Heaven daily

5. Yoga 1x a week
Meditate or Pray every other day

6. Read a book on my lunch breaks at work

7. Go to Unity 2x a month

They're not HUGE goals, but hopefully I'll be able to achieve them because they're manageable. And important. What are your resolutions?

Life is hard Sometimes

2010-12-19T22:53:00.000-08:00

Today was really, really hard.

I don't know how to be a parent sometimes. I feel like he needs absolutely every ounce of my energy and attention, and I don't have any left for the rest of life. And I'm not talking about me sulking because I don't get 'me time (I'll get to that in a minute),' I'm talking about necessities like sleeping and showering and eating. And I'm not sure what to do.

My partner's sick again. We think it's bronchitis, which necessarily leaves more of the housework and child care to me. And I just feel--drained.

On top of that, I feel like I'm missing out on my own spiritual practice. Lately I haven't been going to the Unity church (which I am newly a member of) because either I'm too tired to get up, or I don't want to disturb my partner because he's not feeling well. And I feel empty. I just made a spiritual commitment to this community, and I can't even show up. But I'm trying to remember that these everyday circumstances--the circumstances of my life--are opportunities for me spiritually too. I know that life is for living, not just sitting around and reading about spirituality and religion. So there's got to be room within my life to live spiritually. I just have to figure out how.

A blurry shot of Owen's Christening

Abhyasa and Vairagya

2010-12-13T16:14:00.000-08:00

So I subscribe to a yoga listserv which sends out weekly videos. Most of them are instructional guides on how to come into a particular pose, but this week's was on the philosophical concepts of effort and detachment.

Annie Carpenter Discusses Abhyasa and Vairagya (Effort and Detachment): TerraFlow Video 29 from YogaEarth on Vimeo.

I'm really comfortable with these ideas, but they tend to be in conflict (at least in my head) with some of the Unity principles that I follow. Focus on the good. Choose to think of the desired outcome, and that will call it into existence. (A little clarifying piece: I mean that what we focus on is our reality. And not because well call it forth out of nothing (though I believe we can), but because we are expressing that reality as though it is there already. It makes no difference whether it has manifested or not, because we are manifesting the consequences as though it has.)

I'm not quite sure these concepts can be reconciled--how to live with equanimity, and how to bring into expression the outcome I desire.

Breath of Heaven

2010-12-13T01:11:00.000-08:00

So last week at church the soloist sang the song "Breath of Heaven." I'd never heard it before but it floored me. It was exactly how I felt carrying Owen. Exactly.

Here's a video of the song. The dancing isn't what I want to share, but the way the singer performs it, and the music itself. It was co-written by Amy Grant, I guess, but I don't really like the way she sings it, so this video has a singer that sings it pretty perfectly. Pay attention to the lyrics and the music.

And here are the lyrics:

I have traveled many moonless nights
Cold and weary with a babe inside
And I wonder what I've done
Holy Father you have come
And chosen me now
To carry your son

I am waiting in a silent prayer
I am frightened by the load I bear
In a world as cold as stone
Must I walk this path alone
Be with me now
Be with me now

Breath of heaven
Hold me together
Be forever near me
Breath of heaven

Breath of heaven
Lighten my darkness
Pour over me your holiness
For you are holy
Breath of heaven

Do you wonder as you watch my face
If a wiser one should have had my place
But I offer all I am
For the mercy of your plan
Help me be strong
Help me be

Breath of heaven
Lighten my darkness
Pour over me your holiness
For you are holy
Breath of heaven

I know it might be presumptuous to say I felt this way, since the song's about Mary carrying Jesus, but it really fit. I really felt this way.

Interior Design

2010-12-05T00:19:00.000-08:00

I often am at odds with both my partner & best friend about how to decorate our shared living spaces. Each of us want very different things. This photo represents pretty much the feeling that I'm going for, if not the specific imagery itself.

The Chapel of St Ignatius

I sincerely doubt Colleen or Brant will ever be okay with our house giving off this vibe. Nonetheless, here it is.

Condolences

2010-12-03T17:05:00.000-08:00

Seattle University lost a long-time staff member and holy man today, Fr Gillis. I didn't work with him personally in my time there, but he was apparently loved by many.
I stumbled upon an open letter he wrote to the SU community last month, and it was very moving. So I wanted to post it here. It is so full of love and gratitude, it's pretty incredible. And I find myself lucky for having stumbled upon it.

Dear Friends,
Since the full knowledge of my cancer became known to everyone I have been overcome by the positive notes and visits and to a certain extent, the overwhelmingness shouldn't be surprising because I was bowled over by the realization of how much I am loved.
Part of the reason for feeling overwhelmed was also because I was realizing just how much I am loved – loved so deeply. (I am never surprised how good and beautiful you are, realizing that about myself was more difficult. But the two go together!) This confirms that when I am in touch with the Holy Spirit, I believe and act out of love.
It is not always easy to love ourselves. On the other hand, it is easy for me to love all of you. It isn't too tricky, because if you love other people, they'll love you back! My apostolic mission at S.U. has been to love other people. I open up a card and you would thank me for something I did – and you reminded me of it. But lovers don't keep score.
And just as we need to be reenergized or encouraged in the Holy Spirit in communal worship, retreats, and friendships, I have a few things to encourage you with:
Forgive one another. Mr. Thirty-two Search is ALWAYS moved to tears with people finding it in themselves to reconcile. That is at the center of our belief.
Take time to be with each other and to encourage each other. You can't build community at a distance. We all get busy but take time for one another because this is how we know we are loved.
Take care of yourself. I've learned a lot about health and a shout-out to all of my women friends 40 and over, please get a mammogram. Also, Fr. Mike lost weight and if he can do it, so can you!
In all of this, take heed St. John's call: Love one another.
Love, love, love,
Fr. Rog

This was taken from SU's alumni blog. Quite beautiful, and very moving.

Many blessings to Fr Gillis, his community, and to you.

giving birth & God

2010-11-27T20:17:00.000-08:00

This whole year has been wrought with preparation. The "Child Bearing Year" is no myth; it really takes an entire year to move through the process of motherhood. From the moment I found out I was pregnant and was going to have the baby, I began to prepare. The mystical question of what or who I was preparing for wasn't lost on me. I didn't know. I didn't know how to prepare. How do you prepare for an experience you've never had, never lived through your body? Nonetheless, prepare I did.

And not in the standard, go by all the material items a baby will need & get a baby shower registry going, sort of way. And not in the, compile an extensive birth plan, sort of way either, though I did both of these things. My body, my heart, my Self began to prepare energetically. Hormones can't account for the raw emotion that flowed and overflowed through and out of me. I'd find myself in moments of awe, dread, fear, hope, joy simultaneously. Tears would run down my face at the mere thought of life growing inside of me, life becoming itself.

I don't pretend to mean I understood or experienced God intellectually. What I felt has no words.

And then there was the labor and birth of our child. Again, a meeting with God. Not the joyous miracle of God, but the terror and agony of God. A splitting in two. Raw animal noises being wrenched from me, my face splitting in half, eyes narrowed, mouth cut. The agony of God.
I remember chanting over and over again, "God, why won't it go away? Why won't You help me, help me, help me..." in the hot swamp of the bathtub. My answer was the urge to push.
And push I did. I pushed like screaming, pushed with no understanding of how to push, how to move this baby through me. I pushed until I split open, pushed a live human being through me and into the world.

God was there when my baby, blue and big and scared, stared with wide open eyes and began to scream. I held him, huge, slippery, bloody, warm. God was born with my baby.

What do we mean by "God"?

2010-01-13T18:29:00.000-08:00

In a recent interaction via Twitter, I had a friend of mine make the comment, "Anyone touting that their God does anything to anyone is stupid and dangerous." To which I replied, "I think where we part ways is what you mean by God. And action."

I think where I have challenges arguing (or even stating, really) my viewpoint with others is that I don't think we're ever talking about the same idea of God. And worse, I don't think anyone realizes how important this issue is. If we're not talking about the same thing but think we are, of course we can't understand each other. Of course it is frustrating as all hell.

I think we need to voice some real differences in our belief of who or what God is. And this varies even from inside Christian denominations, let alone any of the non-Abrahamic faiths.

The Jewish (Kabbalah) Godhead

Last week this was clearly illustrated to me when reading Karin Armstrong's "Through the Narrow Gate," which is her memoir about the seven years she spent as a nun of St. Ignatius' tradition in the 1960's. Through reading this book, I finally grasped some of the core beliefs of some of the Catholic faith, and realized, in real shock actually, that Catholicism is an entirely different religion that contemporary Protestant Christianity.

TBC...

The Peak of Creativity

2009-11-05T22:55:00.000-08:00

I believe I've discovered

the time of day that I am the most creative
and productive: Between 12pm and 2pm. It is during these times that I feel like I have a current of power/energy flowing through me; an electrical current that is directly connecting me to the Divine.

{coffee that was served to me where the soymilk actually curdled}

If I can take my lunch during this peak time, this peak of creativity, I know I'll be happier. I think what's been happening is I work (or am online or am goofing off) through this important time. When I don't use it, here's what I notice happening:

I lose all energy/get lethargic OR I have intense energy that doesn't have anywhere to go, and this is when the energy turns destructive; it turns inward. Because it isn't expressing outwardly, I become agitated and aggressive, with others, and most notably, with myself.

This negative energy seems to destroy all facets of productivity and self-worth I'd cultivated up to this point. I then feel worthless, agitated, and angry at myself.

Quite interesting.

A Small Hiatus

2009-11-03T23:18:00.001-08:00

I am taking a [short] hiatus while I begin to redesign this blog. I will be back! And I may post short bursts in the interim!

Marching Orders

2009-10-08T12:36:00.000-07:00

From Reverend Ed Townley's original podcast of The Bible Alive, 06.08.2008

"In the Gospel of Matthew, Jesus is clear and specific about what he expects from his disciples...Discussing Matthew 9:35 through 10:11:"

"Heal the sick, cleanse the lepers, raise the dead, cast out demons. Freely you have received. Freely give."

Townley understands this as 'marching orders' for each of us as well. He talks of the 12 disciples representing different aspects of ourselves. This is largely based on Charles Fillmore's understanding of the metaphysical meaning of the 12 disciples.

He also understands each entreaty to be directly applicable today if we open up our hearts to a different understanding of the words than has been traditionally taught in mainstream Christian churches.

What does 'cast out demons' mean to us today? How is it applicable, aside from the traditional meaning?

When we think of lepers, we usually think of chronic illness. But we can also understand it from the way lepers were perceived and treated during the time of Jesus. Who in our society today is treated as an unclean outcast? What does it mean to 'cleanse' them? Isn't it also about cleansing our perceptions discrimination and intolerance?

I also take these 'marching orders' literally. I think metaphor and physical manifestations can (and must) exist simultaneously.

I do think if we had full faith in God dwelling in us we could raise the dead, just as Jesus instructed us to do. (Jesus stated very clearly that we should do as he did, and greater things than that we shall do because he made the path. If only we would listen!)

Karl Isakson's depiction of Jesus raising Lazarus from the dead

I also take it metaphorically. Death is an illusion. And it is real. Raising the dead can also be understood as lifting the veil of impenetrability, of coming into a full, experiential understanding the simultaneous reality and illusion (the union of opposites, thank you, Jung!) of death.

To find this and other Rev Ed podcasts of The Bible Alive, visit The Bible Alive's homepage at Unity.fm.

I'll most likely be engaging with these podcasts as I put down more of my thoughts on God, existence, and everything else to share with the rest of you.

Alchemy and the Self

2009-09-17T10:41:00.000-07:00

Sometimes certain things come at me from my wanderings that seem like they are intended for me to see at the exact moment I see them. Synchronistic, almost. Today I stumbled, once again, on alchemy. To be clear, any knowledge I have of alchemy is limited strictly to a Jungian perspective (and Full Metal Alchemist).

This is an excerpt from Marie Louise Von Franz, which was referred to in an exceptionally well-written article posted on a blog from an unlikely source: "Carl Jung's" Myspace blog. I've emboldened the meta-message:

"...the mystery of the structure of the universe, was in themselves, in their own bodies and in that part of the personality which we call the unconscious, but they would say in the life of their own material existence. ...They thought that instead of taking outer materials you could just as well look inside and get information directly from that mystery because you were it. After all, you too were a part of the mystery of cosmic existence, so you could just as well watch it directly.

Even further, you could ask matter, the mystery of which you consist, to tell you what it is, to reveal itself to you. Instead of treating it like a dead object to be thrown into a vessel and then cooked in order to see what came out, you could just as well take a block of iron, for instance, and ask it what it was, what its kind of life was, what it was doing, how it felt when melted. But since all these materials are within you, you can also contact them directly and in that way they contacted what we would now call the collective unconscious, which to them was also projected into the inner aspect of their own bodies.

They consulted these powers directly through what they called meditation and therefore most of these introverted alchemists always stressed the fact that one should not only experiment outwardly but should always insert phases of introversion with prayer and meditation and a kind of yoga. With yoga meditation you try to get the right hypothesis, or information, about what you are doing or about the materials. Or you can, for instance, talk to quicksilver, or to iron, and if you talk to quicksilver and iron then naturally the unconscious fills up the gap by a personification. Then Mercury appears to you and tells you who the sun God is. A power, the soul of Gold, appears and tells you who and what it is. (Marie-Louise vonFranz, Alchemical Active Imagination, Spring Pub., Dallas, 1979)."

In my search for understanding myself, I couldn't have asked for a wiser clue. And yet again, it seems I am being told to look within, to gaze inside of myself to find the answers, rather than seek outside authority. I can look inside and wait for my unconscious to materialize the answer I seek.

I always get stuck here though. I say to myself, now, this may be great in theory, but how can I start this process? Its like because I can't understand the inner workings I don't think it'll work. But thinking this way inhibits me from even trying. I think that if I start, from the inside I'll be transformed. Of course it makes sense that from my now perspective of sitting on the outside I can't see how it works. I can't see how it works because I'm on the outside.

I think that finally, FINALLY, I'm starting to get it. The answer is also written in Marie Louise Von Franz's above quote. I don't have to worry. I do need to act. I do need to get out of my brain and onto the floor and meditate. I need to sit still. I need to practice yoga. I need to listen. The act of meditation, of being still will generate the next step, as breathing in necessitates breathing out.

From Jung's "The Red Book"

As a final clarification, I want to say that I don't believe that this path is about exclusively looking within. That's what is so marvelous about the metaphor of alchemy: the exterior is intimately related to the interior. I think that, yes, the exterior world is a manifestation of the interior workings of the psyche (collective and individual), but I think it's more than that. Matter exists. It is real. By manipulating and engaging with it, you can transform your internal life, just as engaging with your psyche can transform your material surroundings. The road goes two ways.

It reminds me of one of Joseph Campbell's favorite phrases he quoted so often, "Thou art that."

Goodbye, great grandma--Hello, trust.

2009-09-14T12:10:00.001-07:00

My great grandma died yesterday. She was 95. My whole family from that side (save my sister, Dawne) spent the day together, besides me. I'm sick and don't want to contaminate my mom ,who is so fragile anyways, and all the elder folks at the nursing home who might not make it through the kind of cold I have. It's pretty gnarly.

I'm struggling to figure out the mess of feelings I have about this.

We knew it was coming. She was failing. She'd been having blood transfusions for a couple of years now, because she was losing blood internally and nobody knew where it was going. About a month ago we were told they were 'making her comfortable,' which is explicit code for 'she's dying and we're just going to let that happen.'

I'm struggling with the weirdness I've been left with, because quite frankly, I didn't really know my great grandma. She was pretty distant when I was growing up. Yes, she always had little sandwich baggies full of a pack of gum, a mini-snickers bar, a mini m&m's package, and a dollar for each of us. Yes, she laughed and giggled in this small but rich way that really was quite delightful. But I didn't really know her. I was too young for her to talk about real life stuff in front of me. And then when I got old enough, you know, into my teenage years, I stopped going over to my grandma's (her daughter's) house every weekend, so I rarely made the drive up to Ocean Shores to see my great grandma. I only saw her at the holidays, when my grandma would drive her over.

She would sit in the chair in the corner and her daughter would bicker with her nonstop. This was nothing new. We'd put on the holiday parade so she could be partially entertained. As she got older, she stopped making small talk with the rest of us. Occasionally we'd ask her something, and she'd reply in monosyllabic answers.

I guess it was about three years ago(?) when I found out she was in an advanced stage of dementia. She'd been falling--off of busses, out of her house, inside of her house, and more frequently. My grandma was not at all pleased with this, and somehow or other among the many doctors visits it came out that my great grandma didn't know who any of us were, or really anything about who she was. She did always remember her daughter though, which I think is very sweet.

I only visited her one time in the past couple of years she'd been in the nursing home. I hadn't really felt the need to. She had no memory of me. I wasn't banking on that. The last thing I wanted was to go in there, visit her, and make her feel terribly uncomfortable by trying to pretend she recognized any part of me. So I didn't. I told myself I can love her quietly and it's not about seeing her because she isn't the same as she once was.

But in January or February I was having lunch with my grandma and she took me to see her. No, she didn't remember me. I wasn't in the least bit hurt or offended by this fact, which everyone else seemed to be. It wasn't her fault; she wasn't not remembering me because she didn't love me. It had nothing to do with me.

I guess I can see where I'd be hurt if it was my grandma--her daughter--that was going through this. This grandma I know so well, have lived with and drove around with and squabbled with my whole life. If it were her it might break my heart. But my great grandma, Ina...I can depersonalize it a little bit. I don't have to make it about my pain with her. It's almost a blessing. I can be relieved that she's finally unfettered by human form. I can feel some sort of little joy that she is going where her siblings and her husband had gone before her.

All of this brings to light my issue with death.

I cannot understand, for the life of me, the purpose of coming into being, of coming into form, if we are made to return to formlessness. I do not understand, for the life of me, the purpose of our forgetting what we once new of ourselves. If I believe (which I do) that we chose to come into human form, then I can't figure out the necessity of forgetting that very crucial fact while we are here. It seems to me that death and separation, grief and longing would be made much gentler if we had that primordial memory. I would have a memory, I would know--not just believe--that I chose to come into form. I would know--not just believe--that death is the natural progression of life. I would know there is nothing to fear or mourn.

I guess this highlights what has come to me recently as my spiritual path. I am here to learn to have trust and faith in the divine process. I keep rushing to action. I keep trying to learn more, to read more books, to try new herbal medicine for this and that ailment. I want to act rather than trust. I want to know why rather than accept blindly what is.

Last night I was meditating on a particular issue and awaiting a divine response. The guide I was using had a particular format to follow: Fear not, enter into stillness to listen to the 'still small voice,' and finally, take action. As I sat, I mostly focused on finding the 'still small voice' of God inside of me, locating it written on my heart, and trusting it. I sat there, asking myself, is this really God, or is it me (or really, what is the difference, right???), and finally, regarding some of my health challenges of late, what kind of action am I to take?

The bizarre thing is that small voice said something to the effect of, 'action is nothing without trust.'

Trust. And Faith. Trusting a process that I can't control. Having faith that what will happen will happen forever and I can't change it. I've been acting for so long and nothing has worked. I've tried to psychoanalyze all of the metaphors involved with my health, and tried to 'let go' of the past. I've tried to trust. And then I've realized therein lies the challenge: I believe, rigidly and dogmatically at time, but I do not trust. I do not have faith.

This directly affects my relationship with death. It directly affects my relationship to my body, to my health, my chronic ear infections (that won't seem to go away, damnit!), and with everything, really.

For so long I thought the issue was death. What death means to me, and how I fear separation and abandonment and loneliness. And that's all there too, really. But what underlies that is my innate mistrust in the process that brought me into human form and will ultimately take me out of it. But now, as my health seems perpetually challenged, it seems that it is the perfect opportunity to wrestle with this spiritual path.

My great grandma's passing and my ear infection have both pushed me toward my path, when I would rather be reading frivolous books and focusing on planning my wedding. They've reminded me that there really is no time to waste, is there? To paraphrase Gautama Buddha, I must attend to my own salvation with diligence. I must not shy away from all of the hard stuff because the hard stuff will keep coming until I find the courage and grace to look directly at it.

Finally, I'd like to end with a passage from the Christian scriptures that was brought to my attention today (John 11:28-37):

And after she had said this, she went back and called her sister Mary aside. "The Teacher is here," she said, "and is asking for you." When Mary heard this, she got up quickly and went to him. Now Jesus had not yet entered the village, but was still at the place where Martha had met him. When the Jews who had been with Mary in the house, comforting her, noticed how quickly she got up and went out, they followed her, supposing she was going to the tomb to mourn there.
When Mary reached the place where Jesus was and saw him, she fell at his feet and said, "Lord, if you had been here, my brother would not have died."
When Jesus saw her weeping, and the Jews who had come along with her also weeping, he was deeply moved in spirit and troubled. "Where have you laid him? he asked.
"Come and see, Lord," they replied.
Jesus wept.
Then the Jews said, "See how he loved him!"
But some of them said, "Could not he who opened the eyes of the blind man have kept this man from dying?"

Jesus wept.

Those of us who know this story know that Jesus does indeed go on to raise Lazarus from the dead. But I want to stop there for a minute. What I see here, plainly, is two sisters who are so very sad at the loss of their brother and a compassionate, understanding man who actually weeps at their grief. Jesus, who at this point is pretty aware of his divine purpose and calling, is weeping--not at the actuality of death, which is an inevitable yet arbitrary event, as he goes on to show not only in Lazarus' resurrection, but in his own death and resurrection--at the pain and sadness associated with death.

Bringing Lazarus' resurrection into the dialog then, what does this say about Jesus? Although he had full knowledge of his divine gift, although he knew full well that his belief in the divine energy would enable him to raise Lazarus from the dead, he still mourned. He was still saddened.

This tells me that death is sad. It's supposed to be sad. So even if I become a spiritually enlightened being, death will still be sad. My issue to struggle with is not about overcoming sadness. It's about overcoming the lack of trust in the process. I can still grieve and be sad. I can still struggle with change and endings and transitions. But if I can work through all of it to have faith in divine process, then I can be fully sad. I can fully grieve without that panic and worry niggling in and overwhelming me away from my experience with grief.

Depression.

2009-09-08T21:12:00.001-07:00

I'm finding a lot of things difficult right now.

A good friend of mine is having a religious experience that rivals the medieval mystic and her ascent into hell.

Fundamentalist Christians have a faith they can call on with clear cut rules, regulations, and dogma.

Unity New Thought ministers believe we can each attune to our Christ energy, follow Jesus' un-unique example, and become the Christ inside of us.

I'm reading Pam Houston write about her heroine's Irish Wolfhound and his struggle with cancer.

I'm going to work. I'm getting married. I have an ear infection. I'm tired. I'm overweight. I'm depressed.

I think I'm a little depressed.

'The Secret' masters are clicking their tongues, knowing for certain that I'm bringing more of the same my way, but I just want to finally be honest, for once in my life.

Mama's Herb Garden

2009-08-04T09:38:00.001-07:00

I LOVE Earth Mama Angel Baby; it's one of my favorite companies as a buyer. Even though I don't have children (and I'm not in the planning stages, FYI...) her blog has really great folk remedies for anyone, really. And many of the products are great for anyone too. Please check them out! The following is a link to 'Mama's' blog...

Check it out:

Mama's Herb Garden

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My mom

2009-06-27T19:26:00.000-07:00

I've always had some hard times accepting my mom's failings and issues. She's a depressed woman, an alcoholic/addict, and a very sad person. She's in a lot of pain. She has reasons for being so. Hell, I have reasons for being so. But while I can pick myself up off of the ground, she can't seem to and that's the only way she'll ever be able to get up. I can't pick her up.

And lately I've been having to come to terms with the fact that she might not get back up.

If we think about all of the the mechanics that create a human being's core life issues, we have genetic predisposition, childhood environment, personality/temperament, and then external issues that come up. So I know that that there are so many reasons for her feeling this way, and my whole life I feel like I've been very understanding with the fact that she's hurting, but at the center of myself I just haven't been able to really accept it. I've always envisioned the time when she is 'better.' But then I think, or am reminded of really, that life isn't about happiness. Life is about living. It seems that her lot in life is to sit with her own kind of suffering and learn whatever she needs to learn from it.

But hell, I'm 26 and I think its been long enough that I've had a sad mom. I want a mom that's happy and can smile without tears and who I know will be alive when I decide to have kids. Ultimately though, I just want her feel okay for once.

I just ache for her. And I go back and forth between being understanding of her grief (I've been there, and you can't wiggle out of it) and selfish about my own needs. But the bottom line is she can't be there for me. There's nobody to blame for that. I know if she could be there for me she would; she's not being selfish.

I was looking at pictures of her when she was younger than I am, and she looked so full of light, that she had so much potential for joy, and I want to die when I think of how that was taken from her. I've never been so sad in my life.

Lucid Dreaming

2009-06-16T22:59:00.001-07:00

About three years ago now I had this incredible dream where I was on a beach somewhere in the world. It wasn't day or night; it might have been dusk or right before dawn. Either way it was not quite light or dark out. I walked right up to the edge of the water which was massive. It was literally enchanting. I think it might have been somewhere like the Mediterranian because it was just breathtaking. I've never had another dream that put me there, and I've often wanted to go back.

I feel like that water was on the edge of life and death.

Anyways.

The past few years I've been interested in lucid dreaming--the act of becoming aware of the fact that you are dreaming--and then from there working in my dreams to change my dream life. The last (year-long) program I took at Evergreen had a significant portion of our learning dedicated to the psychology of dreams and lucid dreaming. While I was in the program I had a number of moments that I became lucid, mostly because I followed a number of time-tested induction techniques, but since the class I haven't really had any.

I think its probably because I'm too lazy or otherwise caught up to go through the exercises or at least focus my intent on becoming lucid before I fall asleep.

I think becoming lucid can be about more than having fun and flying around. Hell, the few times I tried to fly around I ended up hopping up and down ridiculously and falling to the ground. I think you can really delve into parts of yourself and learn more about the contents of your psyche. And I know that practicing a real life skill in your dreams does make you better at it. Its been clinically validated, I believe.

All I'm looking for is a chance to get back to that water and sand. It really was incredible.

A great site, btw: The Lucid Dreaming Exchange. The LDE issues are free online, or you can purchase a print copy for a small fee. Robert Waggoner, the creator/moderator (?) is pretty famous in this field, and it really is quite fascinating.

Hit me up with questions...

Religion and Philosophy and Reason

2009-06-14T12:28:00.000-07:00

A little bit ago I was involved in a lively blog-esque conversation about religion (specifically Christianity) and homosexuality. Funnily enough, the parts that got me the most on fire were about some of the larger conceptions many folks have of religion that came out because of this debate. The first was a comment someone made in response to another post. This person made a comment that they wouldn't philosophize about religion, but would rather just get to the point.

Um, PHILOSOPHY IS RELIGION.

How can it not be?

"Philosophy is the study of general and fundamental problems concerning matters such as existence, knowledge, truth, beauty, law, justice, validity, mind, and language. "(Wikipedia)

Of course it goes on to say that it is distinguished from other modalities of seeking to understand the above 'matters' by using Reason, but if anyone looks at the history of the Abrahamic faiths and Western Philosophy, they can see how intimately they are tied together, how closely they interacted, and how each has influenced the other.

Michelangelo's "God Creates Man"

Philosophers and religious alike were seeking simultaneously to understand God and [Its] relationship to the world. Each took and gave from the other modality, and influenced the others belief system so that it was irrevocably changed.

The God of Philosophy ultimately influenced our Western Christian God to a point that critical reasoning created some quite interesting and complex theories about how God interacts with [Its] creation. Over time it gave way to a more literal interpretation of the Bible and existence in general, where the Eastern Orthodox church was still quite esoteric and conceptual, rather than literal or reasoned. Even now the effects still reverberate. Many contemporary Western Christians interpret the Bible literally and defy science. And science cannot hold contemporary Western Christianity either because even the scientists take the religious teachings literally, and since it doesn't comply with their logic and empirical findings, they feel they must throw it out.

But I'm getting beside the point.

PHILOSOPHY IS RELIGION.

If we in the west, or indeed, the world, have gotten so far off the path to have to put religion, or philosophy into a little box, we are being Too rational. We need to think more holistically. If each is honestly addressing the same core questions but using slightly different means to do so, then how are they not the same? It's even arguable that they are even using different means. If we look at some of the initiation cults of antiquity we can see that much of the learned intellectual elite in Greece were also practicing worship as they were philosophizing, and that they really did see the two parts as equally vital to their spiritual existence.

Two opposites can exist together. And they were never really opposites. Its all about the search for our place in existence, and if we're all equally striving to ask the really hard questions, then we are all on the same path.

I'm not even going to get into homosexuality and religion, because I think it is so beside the point. SO beside the point.

Natural Holistic Beauty: Healing with Aromatherapy and Botanical Skin Care

2009-06-02T10:24:00.001-07:00

Check out this SlideShare Presentation from Jimm Harrison, co-founder of OHA, and an excellent aromatherapist. I've been fortunate enough to take a class from him, as well as be in contact with him when he was still with OHA. Great stuff.

Natural Holistic Beauty: Healing with Aromatherapy and Botanical Skin Care

View more OpenOffice presentations from jharoma.

Bereft

2009-06-01T22:52:00.000-07:00

I'm feeling very uncertain about all of the things I want to accomplish in this life. I have moments of hot and cold, of inspiration and apathy, and they change fluidly from one to the other so quickly that it seems impossible to get any one thing done. As soon as inspiration hits for any particular project, on the heels comes the dull ache of depression that stops me from following through on any one thing. I end up reading romance novels instead.
I want to write.
I want to paint.
I want to stretch.
I want to dance.
I have ideas and true inspiration. I get excited. I want to study and learn and apply it to Something. And then a plan forms. And then I start filling in the blanks. I have a plot and scenario. I have inklings of characters that I'd like to explore. I have a body that I'd like to use.

And then the thought of tomorrow hits me. And the mundane reality of having to go to bed, to get up to go to work, to go shopping for food, to do it all over every single day, sinks in and it sucks up my energy so completely I feel bereft. I feel empty. I feel overwhelmed and sad and scared and anxious and I just have to something, anything to just numb myself up and RELAX.

Famous: The Scream (not my property)

And relaxing has nothing to do with writing and painting and stretching and dancing and yoga and art and sex and cleaning and cooking and laundry and working and living.

So what do I do now?

The first Post

2009-05-11T22:15:00.000-07:00

I've been wondering if its really worth it to start another blog; is it really worth the energy? The answer is a resounding Yes. I have my livejournal blog, which is really dead at this point. I also have my Myspace blog, which is an excellent way to keep up with old friends. This one is different.

And yet, I'm not sure how.

Should it be mainly professional? Should I post internal debates about web design, sustainability, aromatherapy, holistic skincare, and local business?

Or should it be deeply mystical, helping me explore the nature of my relation to religion and What Is?

Can I combine the two? Or should I keep them very, very seperate? And who am I writing this for? What audience am I envisioning seeing this?